It’s time to share my mental health story.
I spent 90% of my adulthood thinking I was “mentally ill”.
in 2001 my grandfather died, he was my rock, he understood me fully (because I always felt like a round peg trying to fit into a square whole) and he was my fill in farther figure during the times my dad was working away. He lived next door to use, so we where always in and out of each others houses.
I was there when he died, in his home,when his soul left his body and it was like part of me left as well. A couple of days after his funeral, I attempted ending my own life and ended up in a psychiatric ward. This is where they diagnosed me as being clinically depressed.
When I was allowed home to be with my son, I was placed under the care of a psychologist. Everything made sense what he was saying but made no change on my life at all.
From here on in, I was up high a happy for long periods of time and then dropped into a large pit of despair for even longer periods of time. I was given medication upon medication and I saw so many different psychologists and therapists I lost count. But nothing helped this yo yo of happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad.
During this time I am trying to hold down a full time job, keep a roof over my sons head while bringing him up alone. I felt completely alone, even though I had a loving family.
Then other things starting happening within my body, that I had no clue what they where. I thought this it, I am going to die, I am going to leave my son motherless. I called an ambulance and they informed me I was having a panic attack and everything will OK when it passes. This was the first of many panic attacks that where to come.
So now, I am regularly falling into a black pit, my body makes me feel like I am going to die. But its OK, I just had a “mental illness”.
A few years had gone by living life as an emotional wreck. My son accidentally set fire to his bedroom after playing with a lighter. (I know bad mum moment)
From there on in my body was now playing even more new tricks with me, feeling so ill when I went to leave the house, worried like hell that something would happen to me or our home when we went out side. The only way I could leave the house was to check every plug socket was off and if I broke my routine I had to start again. Then there was the front door, lock the door, walk to the car, walk back to the front door check its locked, walk back to the car and repeat, repeat until my head was satisfied that I had locked the house up.
It drove my son crazy, but It was the only way to survive.
Over time more and more triggers came to light, such as running out of fuel in my car, walking into a crowded place etc..
I use to scream out the universe I AM GOING MAD.
This went on for years and years. Medicated, not medicated, medicated then not medicated. Feeling OK one minute and the feeling like I am going to die the next.
Fast forward several years, I am married with three children. I have a husband that does not understand mental health and neither of us can carry on in the toxic relationship we had created.
I new I had to heal myself after all we heal from other illness why not mental health illness.
This where my journey of recovery began! With the help of a lovely lady, who at the time was a complete stranger, just someone who commented on a post, “Can I message you?.” I gained the confidence to learn who I truly was and it didn’t matter that I didn’t fit in (like I felt all my childhood) because I was individual. With this confidence I started learning as much as I could about depression, anxiety, panic attacks.
I even built enough confidence to train as a reflexologist in 2017, which just sparked in me the passion, to learn more about my brain, my mind and how it all connects to the rest of my body. I listened to pod casts, read blogs, listened to audio books and signed up to every course I could get my hands on.
While learning all this stuff, I was so determined to heal, that I tried everything they suggested.
The most important thing I learnt was, I did not have a “mental illness” because depression, anxiety, panic attacks is not an illness. It’s just NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that I was allowing to control my body.
As I sit here in 2019 I can hold my head with pride and say I have come out of the other side. My emotions are balanced (no longer taking medications) and under control because I have learnt how to control them. Yes there are still things I am working on and yes there is still a tone of stuff I need to learn about myself and about depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
But I know the truth about who I am, where I am going and how to control my thought patterns, breaking the cycle I was living for so many years.
I used to think I couldn’t coach, guide or inspire others because I had my own baggage and inner shit to work on. Now I realize that my mental mess, is my message in this world. 😘 😘
Oh and if you want to know my credentials (apparently they are really important, not sure how some how)
- Certificate in Reflexology
- Certificate in Life Coaching Practitioner
- Certificate in Mindfulness & Masters in Mindfulness
- Certificate in CBT Practitioner
- Certificate NLP Practitioner
I am also a member of The Academy of Modern Applied Psychology, who I completed my Life coaching and Masters in Mindfulness.