There has been something I have been struggling with recently, like I have been fighting my own self, fighting against my own thoughts, fighting against my own feelings and fighting against the essence of who I am. And in the mist of all this inward fighting, I have outwardly been trying to please the people I love.
The only issue with pleasing, is it makes you miserable, unhappy, depressed, caged in like a bird and it destroys all you are worth as a person.
You can’t stay a caterpillar just to please other people and make other people happy. A caterpillar has to create her chrysalis just at the right time, digest her self, before developing everything she needs and hatching into a mature beautiful butterfly.
Although I have traveled a long rocky road to heal myself from the deep dark pit of depression and anxiety, there are still traits of my old life I have been living by and these traits of constantly pleasing loved ones instead of pleasing my self is stopping me from growing, moving forward in my journey.
In order to deal with constant need to please, I have needed to dig deep into the roots of my past to truly understand where this has come from, so I can re-write the story of my future.
I had a wonderful childhood, although we did not have a huge amount of money, we never went with out. We where rich in life experiences. But there was always this element of me that never thought I was good enough. That my parents where proud of my brother and sister but not of me. The black sheep that rebelled against the rules and just didn’t fit in.
The disappointing teenager that left home, moved in with her boyfriends parents and then moved from house to house.
The 20 year old who fell pregnant in an abusive relationship, trying to please her boyfriend at every turn, hoping just once they would be happy and the violence would stop.
The single parent trying to please the world by working, studying for a degree and trying to be the best mum to her son. But at every turn, someone close or loved one was unhappy.
The wife with a young child and new born trying to please her husband and failed so much he went on to have countless affairs. The wife with three children, trying to please society by for filling the role of mother, housekeeper, cook, wife and hold down an income. But instead never met the mark, never even touched it, instead took the blame, after blame, after blame for every shitty thing life throws in our way.
Still unable to please!!!!
The thing is, all my life I have tried to please people because I never thought I was good enough in my own right. I had written a rule book for myself that anything I do will never be enough, never be good enough.
For years I had been telling me unconsciousness brain this story and although it felt like I was loosing at every turn, in fact I was winning! I was winning every time at not being good enough because that is the story I am reliving day in day out, like groundhog day. Winning at the story / rule book I had set out for my life.
This story will never change, I will never stop trying to please other people in my life, unless,
I rip up the rule book and create a new story for my life.
Today as I sit here I am ripping up that rule book, burning that story because I am unwilling to continue living my life trying to please people. I no longer just want to be a caterpillar, I want to be a magnificent butterfly with all its glory.
I’m starting a new story book with a scary first page, but most importantly on that scary first white page are the words,
I AM ENOUGH AS I AM